I have the great fortune of being invited to some weddings this summer, so naturally marriage is on my mind. In particular, ideas of what marriage means and why we bother keep popping up. There’s a lot of baggage and societal expectation around this particular commitment, and my feelings have evolved a surprising amount on it.
.
my background and baggage
When I was religious, I had a very traditional view of marriage. I was also fourteen and had never been involved with another person romantically. As I shed much of the dogma, I found myself in an atheistic camp of contrarianism. Religion in my eyes was the enemy, alongside everything that came with it. My evolution into agnosticism helped me shed that extremism too, and now everything is in question again.
One thing I envy and miss from religion is the community-building. I’ve heard/read stories of people who were likely not religious but attended church for the community, and this makes more and more sense as I get older. It’s not only the reverence for a god that keeps people in check, it’s the community. Of course, many churches devolve into gossip havens, but that’s not unique to religion. Gossip also serves a purpose in our lives. My love of running my mouth is a societal good, and you should all be grateful.
With each passing year I see the value more and more in community and the harm in individualism. With that, it’s possible that the church/religion may have gotten some things right. While the anti-capitalist in me remains anti-pomp, the circumstances of marriage remain surprisingly valid.
.
as two become one
While a couple consists of two individuals, they are often together. Our “other halves” become implied plus ones. In this way our partners are, for better and worse, extensions of us. Calling marriage a piece of paper is reductionist, especially in a historical sense. Marriage has always been a rite of passage, and this isn’t exclusive to any culture or religion. The union of two (or more?) people is a tale as old as family itself.
Community is shared values, practices, and eventually history. When you have a life that you now want to integrate a whole other person into, it makes sense to have a grand introduction. Weddings are currently the marker of this rite. I am finding harder and harder to believe that this type of union shouldn’t be a big deal when it affects every facet of life.
Of the many struggles that couples will encounter, weddings tend to be one of the most evocative. With the combination of communities comes the clash of clans. Many beliefs will go under the microscope as couples plan their grand introduction into society. While some of these beliefs will touch upon core values like religion and tradition, others will be a bit more…frivolous. The criticism of wedding culture should exist separate from weddings themselves.
.
pomp vs circumstance
Weddings in my family have spanned the gamut from courthouse to backyard to destination affairs. The circumstances of each union differed, but there was always a distinction of life before and after marriage. Many things can be true at once:
- Different people have different tastes when it comes to events
- Circumstances allow for varying levels of “balling out”
- Marriage is an important step in a relationship
- People prioritize the wrong things in wedding planning
Lately, weddings seem to be almost a competition. The unnecessary extravagance reminds me of “My Super Sweet Sixteen.” I think it makes sense that people turn into zillas while planning these types of events, because the event becomes less about celebrating and more about showing off. Nothing has demonstrated this more than the scope creep when it comes to associated wedding events.
At minimum, a wedding requires a ceremony. Most people will also include a reception or party after that. I agree that these are necessary components. I’ll even contend that any event the day of the wedding or the day before is fair game. Everything else is optional, and some of it is downright excessive. While I can accept that different people have different tastes, I’ll never accept indebting yourself as you enter a marriage. Wedding debt is often induced not just from the main events, but ancillary pomp like:
- Destination bachelor/ette parties
- Multiple engagement parties and wedding showers
- Gifts for every pre-wedding event
- Unusable party favors, lavish centerpieces, ice sculptures, etc.
.
what it’s all about
Weddings are ultimately about the union of two people. I’m not here to police people’s fun, but I will say that a lot of people don’t even seem like they’re having fun! Many of these events only seem to generate stress, okay pictures, and a lot of trash. The importance of this introduction of this couple to their families and communities is lost in all the hoopla.
Ultimately, I think every person has different limits and preferences when it comes to weddings. I can only hope that people remember what the day is really about: celebrating the beautiful union of a wonderful couple.
